I'm not alone

Some fights are not worth the fight and they have to realise it. Insisting that things must be done "your way" can only be detrimental to relationships.

http://www.sunnyskyz.com/blog.php?blogid=610%2FI-Wasn-t-Treating-My-Husband-Fairly-And-It-Wasn-t-Fair

3 Communication Tips To Get Him Feeling More Passionate... Even If The "Spark" Is Gone

There's a common strategy lots of smart women take on when they sense something has shifted or is off in their relationship with a man. But instead of this strategy helping the relationship get back on track, it often accidentally creates distance in the relationship and pushes the man away. I call this strategy the "Convincer." I'll explain it like this... Accidentally Becoming The "Convincer" With Men Smart women often have high-standards and expect the best for themselves - from their relationship and from the man they're with - and that's a great thing. So when they aren't getting what they know is the best from the relationship, they take action. Now, it's a MUST to communicate and share your feelings when you don't feel your partner is giving to you and your relationship the way you are, and it's a good thing to do this as soon as you feel it.

Are You The Woman Your Ideal Man Wants? Does it seem like you can accomplish anything you set your mind to in your life - career, interests, hobbies, friends - except for meeting the right guy and having a lasting, committed relationship with him? If you did meet a great guy, are you confident that you'd know what this attractive, successful, and together single man was really looking for in a woman? And more importantly - how to make sure he RECOGNIZES that YOU are the right woman for him? For a real understanding of what makes a man see you as the right woman from the start and feel more intensely ATTRACTED each time you get together, you need my Meeting The One video program. Watch it risk-free right now: Learn More

However, many women take action by trying to take the lead in the relationship in hopes that this will "fill the gaps" in the relationship and start to make things work better and get the man re-engaged again.

But the reality is that making this shift into trying to take charge and lead often ends up with the woman feeling both unappreciated, and like she's the one trying to "convince" the man that the relationship should be different and better.

I'm sure I don't have to tell you that this is not a place where you want to be as a woman in a relationship. Plus... Convincing is a 100% sure way to turn a man off and stop any attraction he might have been feeling for you.

There's a much, much better way...

3 Communication Secrets To Keep A Man Engaged

There's a way to communicate with a man and keep him invested in you and the relationship, without any convincing at all. Doing this involves three key elements.

COMMUNICATION SECRET #1: Truly Listen

Men, just like women, need to feel like it's okay to have their feelings, and that they will be heard and respected. And when they realize their partner isn't really listening or interested in who they truly are or how they truly feel, they will start to shut off bit by bit.

A man can sense how a woman is trying to talk with him or ask him questions, and he can sense if there are intense emotions behind what she's saying.

That's why for a man, there are really two main ways that he will sense a woman's communication in these more intense times of potential relationship conflict.

A man will either sense that:

A) You are asking him to talk and share in order to truly try and UNDERSTAND both him and your relationship better.

*Hint: I think of this as "listening to hear the truth," not "listening to hear what YOU want to hear," and there's a HUGE difference. It's this kind of listening to genuinely hear the truth that creates the critically important "safe space" a man needs to sense for him to share HIS true feelings with you.

Or, on the other hand, a man will sense that...

B) You are asking him to talk and share not to truly talk and listen, but in order to play out your own feelings that you are having a hard time with, or to vent difficult feelings you don't know how to communicate.

Guess which way of talking and listening makes a man feel most comfortable to open up and respond with a deeper level of thought, care and honesty? And guess which way of asking a man a question and listening makes him have a difficult time opening up and being honest about his true feelings?

Now... knowing this, the question is how do you communicate in those important times where you're feeling something and you need to talk with your man? Which way do you approach the conversation, and are you asking to hear his truth and share yours?

Or are you asking because you need to first find a way to uncork all the feelings you're having a hard time understanding, and you hope to hear what you want to hear from him?

Keep this in mind the next time you're communicating with a man so that you listen without judgement and preconceived ideas about what he "should" say.

COMMUNICATION SECRET #2: Quiet the Criticism

There's something absolutely critical you need to get about men if you want to enjoy a lasting relationship that feels easy and like a "fit" for YOU and for the man you're with. It's this...

Men do not respond to CRITICISM in relationships.

Now, this might sound obvious, but it's incredible how many relationships have this dynamic where men either accidentally perceive a woman's communication as criticism... or where a woman is accidentally criticizing in an effort to make the relationship better.

You should know that most couples do not see it when they're criticizing each other. That's why it's the subtleties of how criticism starts to undermine both partners in the relationship and turn them against each other that makes criticism so destructive.

In the end, criticism will motivate a man to distance himself from you and see your relationship as a negative place he needs to get away from in order to feel better about himself.

When a man feels criticized, he'll do most or all of the following:

• Stop communicating any appreciation for the woman
• Feel like a failure in his life and in your relationship and stop trying or being passionate in both
• Find ways to act out either directly or indirectly to express his frustration
• Spend more time away from you and your relationship
• Stop letting you in on his deeper thoughts and feelings and shut you out
• No longer want to know about and understand your feelings and be a source of support or comfort for you

Looking at that list, you can see that criticism shuts down some huge emotional areas in a man. When you think about it, criticism is just one way to try and create change and to motivate someone (a man) to do something differently.

Can you think of a more effective way of communicating with a man that will get you the response you REALLY WANT with him in your relationship?

There's something that truly works MAGIC with a man...

COMMUNICATION SECRET #3: Show Appreciation

A man wants to be respected for his thoughts and actions, and the way you communicate this to him is by showing APPRECIATION.

Unfortunately, often times women, especially smart, independent, and successful women, unintentionally block opportunities for a man to please them. In short, they make it difficult for a man to do for them the very things they'd like to receive!

If you're used to being a go-getter and taking matters into your own hands at work and in your daily life, you might accidentally be preventing a man from stepping in and being THE MAN for you.

So, not only is he not able to please you and DO for you, but there are fewer opportunities for you to show APPRECIATION for him.

This Is An Easy Fix, But It Takes Practice

It means you need to practice letting go of the reigns of the relationship and LET HIM do more for you. You don't need to do anything at all for this to happen, all you need to do is stop DOING, and this will create the space for him to move forward and DO for you.

That's when you'll create fresh opportunities to acknowledge and APPRECIATE him when he does. Appreciation is the fuel the feeds a man's passion for you and makes him not want to leave your side.

For a complete, in-depth look at how to communicate appreciation to a man and speak with him in a way that will really make him listen, check out my Communication Secrets For A Secure Relationship program.

It will teach you how to break through any distance between you and a man and shift any negative patterns you have in the way you talk and share with each other. Learn how to transform the way you communicate with a man, and in turn how he sees you and opens up to you right here:

Watch Communication Secrets

It's Never To Late To Turn Things Around

If a man was attracted to you in the beginning, it's possible to re-engage him and get him feeling "it" for you again - and stronger than ever. You just need the right approach. If you're in a relationship that has started to fizzle, all the tips and insights you need are in my Relationship Turnaround online video program:

Watch a Preview Here

In this program, I'll reveal the real reason passion dies with a man and show you the three key elements of a great relationship so that he'll recognize you as the one woman he can't ever let get away.

I'll talk to you again soon, and best of luck in life and love.

Your Friend,

Christian

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Taken directly off Catch-him and Keep-him newsletter by Christian Carter

A little dose of positive thinking

“There are exactly as many special occasions in life as we choose to celebrate.” ~Robert Brault

This quote is so applicable to our daily life. Why do we have to wait for special occasions to celebrate when we can celebrate everyday so that every day will be a special occasion. Negative thinkers might rebut by saying "What's the point if everyday is celebrated? There will be nothing special then." Logically it sounds true that whatever is being celebrated is no longer special because whether there is anything good to celebrate, the day is the same. Apply lateral thinking and you find that if you celebrate everyday, you are actually showing that you cherish whoever you are celebrating with. Show that they are important to you.

Stop waiting for that special occasion to bring out the celebratory mood.

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/a-simple-choice-to-celebrate-what-matters/

Relations

After 3 posts about individual's thinking, I will now move on to look at what I can find about relationship.

I shall combine all my readings together in 1 post so that I won't have to repeat too many times:

1) 7 tips on developing a successful intimate relationship

2) 10 truths to keep your relationship healthy

3) 7 ways to put life back into your relationship

Let's begin with the first reading

1) Check whether your expectations are realistic
Think it is normal to have expectations on your partners. Examples quoted from the article includes: expect your partner to be there for you all the time; to love you unconditionally; to always understand you; to always remember your birthday; that you and your partner will always be in good moods etc.

We have learnt that the quantifier 'always' is a very strong word in our GP lessons in JC. Is it possible to be always? To always understand you? A person always in good mood? Unlikely. Always remember birthday is do-able but there could be the once in a blue moon slip up or someone could be suffering from dementia.

What does it means to love you unconditionally? There was once I was stopped outside central library in NUS. This person came up to me with some photos and asked me which resonated in me. There were a few photos including these two - a photo of a couple holding hands lovingly and a mother feeding her child. I chose the latter and said that that was a photo where you can see unconditional love. That was my perception that parents give children unconditional love and not life partners, but after reading about lateral thinking, I could also say that parental love is not totally unconditional as well. When you feed a baby, you would expect the baby to be satisfied and smile back at you. That smile could be what parents want in return. Sending children to different courses could be to fulfill parent's dream. When parents lecture their children, that is because they did not get the correct responses from their children etc.

It's the same in relationship, if you are expecting your partner to love you unconditionally, what does it actually mean to you? Then are you doing the same by loving back unconditionally in your own dictionary?

2) Ensure that your fantasies are realistic
Social media will probably have to take the blame for the unrealistic fantasies. Television dramas always come up with extravagant wedding proposals which are by far too unrealistic. Occasionally there may be a handful of people who try to emulate that, like the man who proposed with 99 iphone 6.

Scrolling through facebook everyday, you will probably see different pictures of other people having a hell of a good time, and it seems like everybody except you is enjoying their lives because their partners are doing this and doing that. Please ask yourself if anyone ever posted bad things about their lives on FB? Ya, some do and you will probably have labelled them as whiners and blocked them already. Please stop comparing with what's on FB and get back to life.

3) Understand the messages which drives your interactions with your partner
This is about hidden messages that have been internalized while growing up. They affect your behaviour, attitude and reactions without you knowing. Mostly, these are generalizations that "A woman should do everything for her partner" (so if you are a woman, you will not demand a mutual give and take with your partner, or if you are a man, it could possibly make you a MCP)

4) Be willing to take responsibility for your part in the problems and difficulties which arise between you and your partner
It's easy to point out mistakes made by other people but hard to ever realise that you could be in the wrong as well, causing you to argue your point over why you are right. When two people are arguing, there are going to be at least 2 perceptions of 'how things should be'.

5) Develop self-awareness
Developing self-awareness is the solution proposed in the first article. This means getting to know what caused you to react and behave in certain ways you do in your relationship. You have to be aware of the above points and stop doing them in order to have a successful relationship. Self-awareness is about personal growth and it could help in your career as well.


Going on to second article:

1) Successful relationships take work
This essentially is about communication. I did a quick search on the different methods of communications - written, oral, face-to-face and online. So there is no correct method of communication that you can use. Find one that is comfortable.

2) You can only change yourself, not your partner
If you love someone and think that he or she will change behaviours you find uncomfortable, you are wrong. If you want changes to take place, discuss with your partner.

3) All arguments stem from own fear or pain
Arguments usually arise from your own fear and pain and not because you are actually angry with your partner.

4) Understand that men and women are very different
Understand and celebrate your differences instead of arguing about who is right will make living together more interesting, peaceful and fun.

5) Honour each other in some way everyday
Feeling respected and cherished by the one you love makes life much easier. This could easily be done by saying "I love you." every morning, giving each other a hug when you wake up, holding each other's hand etc.

6) Anger is a waste of time
Instead of wasting time feeling angry, calm down and see the good in your partner.

7) Get regular tune-ups
Go to couples' workshop, read relationship book together. They could give you new ideas to strengthen your connections.

8) Find a ways to become and stay best friends
Possibly about doing things together. Look at point 7 below.

9) Be responsible for your own happiness
No other person can make you happy if you are not happy on your own. This has been discussed in an earlier post. If you are looking for your partner to give you the happiness you want, you are looking in the wrong place altogether. Your partner is there to share the happiness you found in yourself and to amplify that happiness. If you have not found any happiness in yourself, even if your partner is able to amplify happiness by 1000 times, your happiness level will still be zero. Look at point 3 below.

10) Give what you want to get
Do unto others what you want others do unto you. Kind of like point 5 below.


On to article 3:

1) Stay positive
This is the choice you have to make. If you know that you are naturally negative, then you have to be self-aware of your choice. Take the time to focus on what's right, what's going on well. When you are discussing your relationship, highlight the good things and minimized the bad. Both you and your partner will feel better.

This will change your conversation to an empowering conversation instead of a dismissing one.

2) Remember that no one is perfect
Remembering that no one is perfect not even yourself. But if you are only preaching on your partner's imperfection while defending your own, then you need to rethink about yourself. Remind yourself that we all have our own bad habits, and we expect our partners to love us despite all that. So give them the same respect and love them despite their imperfection.

If you want to prove that you are right in every situation and want control of everything, the relationship is bound to sour as resentment build up. Why does it matter who is right and who is wrong anyway? Work together to change for the better.

3) Love yourself first
-

4) Make decisions from the heart
If you love your partner, is it reflected in your actions, the way you speak to them, or the way you treat them? Does paying every single attention to your work and neglecting your partner tell your partner how much you love him? You expect the understanding from your partner that you are busy, but do you understand where your partner is coming from? Will you feel regretful on your deathbed that you have not worked hard enough or will you feel regretful that you had not spent more time with your partner?

5) Lead by example
You saw your friend posted on facebook pictures of a delicious meal that your friend's partner had prepared and you are envious of that. Why wait? Do the same for your partner. You don't have to hint to your partner by showing the pictures to your partner because it's likely that the hint will not be caught.

Your mum washes and iron your clothes for you. Don't wait, volunteer to do the chores when you marry and move in together. Your partner will be more than happy to share the workload. Don't tell your partner that your mum or dad does this for you, your brother or sister does that for you. You are comparing your family members with your partner. If you expect all the things that your mum, dad, brother and sister do for you to be done by your partner, then to tell you sadly, it will be easier to just stay at your current home then to be able to find a partner able to do that.

Pass on the love that other has passed on to you. Don't wait for someone to come along the way to provide those love that you have received. It's much more empowering that way. Remember the ripple effect, you spread the love on to other people and the love will then come back to you in a heartwarming way.

6) Start doing things you love
It's good to start hobbies together so that you will get to spend time together. It will also be good to have a mix of individual hobbies, so that you do not need to have your partner around all the time.

7) Go on an adventure
The adventure is out there! There are many possibilities to this one. Go touring, explore new places. It don't have to be bungee jumping as suggested in the article.


Conclusion
Guess from the articles, it is important that if you want to feel loved by your partner, the first thing you need to do is to love yourself. After that, you have to be self-aware of the things that you expect from the relationship. Is it realistic? Don't do the blaming game as it's counterproductive. In a discussion, focus on the positive. You can change only yourself and not your partner, if you need your partner to change, you can put it out on the table to discuss or could even lead by example so that their will be positive changes.

I'll end off with an additional read which brings out what most of my thoughts about relationships.

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-maintain-a-happy-relationship-the-desired-things-of-love/

Biggest regrets in life

Let's take a look at 2 possible titles of an article:

The 25 biggest accomplishments in life. What are yours?
vs
The 25 biggest regrets in life. What are yours?

Which title will you most likely read? I guess you will probably read the latter which contains the negative word 'regrets' instead of the former which contains the positive word 'accomplishments'. Somehow, the first title suggests a self-centred person trying to flaunt his success story. However, that's not what is suggested in the article, else I won't be sharing it here.

The article is actually about what are the biggest regrets at the death beds. So perhaps, if the author had chosen "The 25 biggest accomplishments spoken at the death beds" would also be a good title?

1. Working so much at the expense of family and friendships
This is pretty much said but very little practiced. People are going to retort you by saying that there's no choice, you have a family to feed. If you don't work, then who is going to feed them? Well, your work is never finished. New work comes to you everyday. You have to prioritize the work into important and not so important. Important work definitely have to be completed on time to keep you in your job, I guess there is no choice for this type. However, on the less important and mundane type, what is the minimum level of work that you can accept. If you can only accept 'perfect' work, then I guess you have chosen that work is more important than your family and friends and that the promise you make about "making up to the family during the weekend" as suggested in the article will never come to fruition.

2. Standing up to bullies in school and in life
Either my school is kind, or I wasn't too bothered by bullies so I can't really think of anything here. There's no need to feel regretful about them unless they really made you lost a whole lot. 

3. Stayed in touch with some good friends from my childhood and youth
Childhood friends are good memories. I don't think it really matter if you have stayed in touch with those from childhood as long as you have true buddies in the here and now that you stay in touch with.

4. Turned off my phone more/Left my phone at home
If you use your phone during your own alone time, it sounds quite reasonable. If you are dining with someone, and you keep typing away on your phone, it shows how much important the person is to you. 

5. Breaking up with my true love/Getting dumped by them
I was a little puzzled by this heading, but by reading the article, I think it roughly means if you have someone you love now, don't keep thinking back to the past lovers that you once had. Something on the line of don't compare them. People are different and they love in different ways. I don't think you can say that one way is more noble than another way. I have read many other articles about what are the type of boyfriends girl should look out for and frankly, those articles are describing a very idealistic person. You can probably find that person in Utopia. I won't be sharing those articles unless you are interested in reading for amusement. 

6. Worrying about what others thought about me so much
This must really be a great regret since it has appeared in all my 3 recent posts (including this). Yet, it's difficult to let go of this perception.

7. Not having enough confidence in myself
I think I have confidence problem, but I do try to improve. I am very sure I am more confident as compared to my secondary school days or even my uni days. Being a volunteer does help a lot on this.

8. Living the life that my parents wanted me to live instead of the one I wanted to
I guessed I let go of this notion during my junior year in uni, the year I started volunteering.

9. Applying for that “dream job” I always wanted
I think I'm in the job I want. But that does not exclude the possibility that I could take on another job in future. 

10. Been happier more. Not taken life so seriously
"笑也是一天，哭也是一天。" is a very cliche sentence that people who take life too seriously never like to hear. Laughing doesn't mean that you are not serious, talking solemnly doesn't mean that you are dead serious since you can always eat your words later. I see no wrong laughing while doing family planning, it's a joy to begin with. I see no wrong in laughing while discussing serious subjects such as the uncertain future. Who knows, by being humourous about the matter, it may lead you to some unexpected outcomes that are even better than those that are discussed solemnly over a meeting table. Power of humour has long been suppressed. However, I do not approve of people who go to funerals tell jokes and laugh out loud.
 http://hqasia.org/article/no-laughing-matter-humour-innovation-and-effectiveness

11. Gone on more trips with the family/friends
It's kind of tough to organize trips for my family. 

12. Letting my marriage break down
I don't know about this.

13. Taught my kids to do stuff more
It's difficult when both parents have to work and have no time for their children, but it's no excuse that you can't teach them and have to send them to all the different courses available commercially.

14. Burying the hatchet with a family member or old friend
-

15. Trusting that voice in the back of my head more
-

16. Not asking that girl/boy out
-

17. Getting involved with the wrong group of friends when I was younger
-

18. Not getting that degree (high school or college)
- 

19. Choosing the practical job over the one I really wanted
-

20. Spending more time with the kids
It's the order of your priority list. 

21. Not taking care of my health when I had the chance
Health is important. Eat in moderation, exercise regularly.

22. Not having the courage to get up and talk at a funeral or important event
I'm glad I can safely say that I am able to deliver a speech more fluently than on my very first try as a secondary 1 boy. 

23. Not visiting a dying friend before he died
-

24. Learning another language
Not a problem here, everyone is bilingual. Oops, I forgot about those who didn't go through the education here.

25. Being a better father or mother
-

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When you attend talks about how to strike a work-life balance, the speaker might tell you to go exercise, spend time with family and friends, go do something you like etc. Then there will always be people who say that these of course they know, what a waste of time attending that talk. I will have to agree on that part on the waste of time. People know they have to do all those things. What they have to know is that they need to change their mindset and set their priorities. My thoughts of that is already written in point 1.

Leave you with this ad of McDonalds.

If your child says "See you on Saturday." on a Monday, it is quite serious. Glad this dad made it a point to have breakfast with him. Hope it's not a once off thing though.