A little dose of positive thinking

“There are exactly as many special occasions in life as we choose to celebrate.” ~Robert Brault

This quote is so applicable to our daily life. Why do we have to wait for special occasions to celebrate when we can celebrate everyday so that every day will be a special occasion. Negative thinkers might rebut by saying "What's the point if everyday is celebrated? There will be nothing special then." Logically it sounds true that whatever is being celebrated is no longer special because whether there is anything good to celebrate, the day is the same. Apply lateral thinking and you find that if you celebrate everyday, you are actually showing that you cherish whoever you are celebrating with. Show that they are important to you.

Stop waiting for that special occasion to bring out the celebratory mood.

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/a-simple-choice-to-celebrate-what-matters/

Relations

After 3 posts about individual's thinking, I will now move on to look at what I can find about relationship.

I shall combine all my readings together in 1 post so that I won't have to repeat too many times:

1) 7 tips on developing a successful intimate relationship

2) 10 truths to keep your relationship healthy

3) 7 ways to put life back into your relationship

Let's begin with the first reading

1) Check whether your expectations are realistic
Think it is normal to have expectations on your partners. Examples quoted from the article includes: expect your partner to be there for you all the time; to love you unconditionally; to always understand you; to always remember your birthday; that you and your partner will always be in good moods etc.

We have learnt that the quantifier 'always' is a very strong word in our GP lessons in JC. Is it possible to be always? To always understand you? A person always in good mood? Unlikely. Always remember birthday is do-able but there could be the once in a blue moon slip up or someone could be suffering from dementia.

What does it means to love you unconditionally? There was once I was stopped outside central library in NUS. This person came up to me with some photos and asked me which resonated in me. There were a few photos including these two - a photo of a couple holding hands lovingly and a mother feeding her child. I chose the latter and said that that was a photo where you can see unconditional love. That was my perception that parents give children unconditional love and not life partners, but after reading about lateral thinking, I could also say that parental love is not totally unconditional as well. When you feed a baby, you would expect the baby to be satisfied and smile back at you. That smile could be what parents want in return. Sending children to different courses could be to fulfill parent's dream. When parents lecture their children, that is because they did not get the correct responses from their children etc.

It's the same in relationship, if you are expecting your partner to love you unconditionally, what does it actually mean to you? Then are you doing the same by loving back unconditionally in your own dictionary?

2) Ensure that your fantasies are realistic
Social media will probably have to take the blame for the unrealistic fantasies. Television dramas always come up with extravagant wedding proposals which are by far too unrealistic. Occasionally there may be a handful of people who try to emulate that, like the man who proposed with 99 iphone 6.

Scrolling through facebook everyday, you will probably see different pictures of other people having a hell of a good time, and it seems like everybody except you is enjoying their lives because their partners are doing this and doing that. Please ask yourself if anyone ever posted bad things about their lives on FB? Ya, some do and you will probably have labelled them as whiners and blocked them already. Please stop comparing with what's on FB and get back to life.

3) Understand the messages which drives your interactions with your partner
This is about hidden messages that have been internalized while growing up. They affect your behaviour, attitude and reactions without you knowing. Mostly, these are generalizations that "A woman should do everything for her partner" (so if you are a woman, you will not demand a mutual give and take with your partner, or if you are a man, it could possibly make you a MCP)

4) Be willing to take responsibility for your part in the problems and difficulties which arise between you and your partner
It's easy to point out mistakes made by other people but hard to ever realise that you could be in the wrong as well, causing you to argue your point over why you are right. When two people are arguing, there are going to be at least 2 perceptions of 'how things should be'.

5) Develop self-awareness
Developing self-awareness is the solution proposed in the first article. This means getting to know what caused you to react and behave in certain ways you do in your relationship. You have to be aware of the above points and stop doing them in order to have a successful relationship. Self-awareness is about personal growth and it could help in your career as well.


Going on to second article:

1) Successful relationships take work
This essentially is about communication. I did a quick search on the different methods of communications - written, oral, face-to-face and online. So there is no correct method of communication that you can use. Find one that is comfortable.

2) You can only change yourself, not your partner
If you love someone and think that he or she will change behaviours you find uncomfortable, you are wrong. If you want changes to take place, discuss with your partner.

3) All arguments stem from own fear or pain
Arguments usually arise from your own fear and pain and not because you are actually angry with your partner.

4) Understand that men and women are very different
Understand and celebrate your differences instead of arguing about who is right will make living together more interesting, peaceful and fun.

5) Honour each other in some way everyday
Feeling respected and cherished by the one you love makes life much easier. This could easily be done by saying "I love you." every morning, giving each other a hug when you wake up, holding each other's hand etc.

6) Anger is a waste of time
Instead of wasting time feeling angry, calm down and see the good in your partner.

7) Get regular tune-ups
Go to couples' workshop, read relationship book together. They could give you new ideas to strengthen your connections.

8) Find a ways to become and stay best friends
Possibly about doing things together. Look at point 7 below.

9) Be responsible for your own happiness
No other person can make you happy if you are not happy on your own. This has been discussed in an earlier post. If you are looking for your partner to give you the happiness you want, you are looking in the wrong place altogether. Your partner is there to share the happiness you found in yourself and to amplify that happiness. If you have not found any happiness in yourself, even if your partner is able to amplify happiness by 1000 times, your happiness level will still be zero. Look at point 3 below.

10) Give what you want to get
Do unto others what you want others do unto you. Kind of like point 5 below.


On to article 3:

1) Stay positive
This is the choice you have to make. If you know that you are naturally negative, then you have to be self-aware of your choice. Take the time to focus on what's right, what's going on well. When you are discussing your relationship, highlight the good things and minimized the bad. Both you and your partner will feel better.

This will change your conversation to an empowering conversation instead of a dismissing one.

2) Remember that no one is perfect
Remembering that no one is perfect not even yourself. But if you are only preaching on your partner's imperfection while defending your own, then you need to rethink about yourself. Remind yourself that we all have our own bad habits, and we expect our partners to love us despite all that. So give them the same respect and love them despite their imperfection.

If you want to prove that you are right in every situation and want control of everything, the relationship is bound to sour as resentment build up. Why does it matter who is right and who is wrong anyway? Work together to change for the better.

3) Love yourself first
-

4) Make decisions from the heart
If you love your partner, is it reflected in your actions, the way you speak to them, or the way you treat them? Does paying every single attention to your work and neglecting your partner tell your partner how much you love him? You expect the understanding from your partner that you are busy, but do you understand where your partner is coming from? Will you feel regretful on your deathbed that you have not worked hard enough or will you feel regretful that you had not spent more time with your partner?

5) Lead by example
You saw your friend posted on facebook pictures of a delicious meal that your friend's partner had prepared and you are envious of that. Why wait? Do the same for your partner. You don't have to hint to your partner by showing the pictures to your partner because it's likely that the hint will not be caught.

Your mum washes and iron your clothes for you. Don't wait, volunteer to do the chores when you marry and move in together. Your partner will be more than happy to share the workload. Don't tell your partner that your mum or dad does this for you, your brother or sister does that for you. You are comparing your family members with your partner. If you expect all the things that your mum, dad, brother and sister do for you to be done by your partner, then to tell you sadly, it will be easier to just stay at your current home then to be able to find a partner able to do that.

Pass on the love that other has passed on to you. Don't wait for someone to come along the way to provide those love that you have received. It's much more empowering that way. Remember the ripple effect, you spread the love on to other people and the love will then come back to you in a heartwarming way.

6) Start doing things you love
It's good to start hobbies together so that you will get to spend time together. It will also be good to have a mix of individual hobbies, so that you do not need to have your partner around all the time.

7) Go on an adventure
The adventure is out there! There are many possibilities to this one. Go touring, explore new places. It don't have to be bungee jumping as suggested in the article.


Conclusion
Guess from the articles, it is important that if you want to feel loved by your partner, the first thing you need to do is to love yourself. After that, you have to be self-aware of the things that you expect from the relationship. Is it realistic? Don't do the blaming game as it's counterproductive. In a discussion, focus on the positive. You can change only yourself and not your partner, if you need your partner to change, you can put it out on the table to discuss or could even lead by example so that their will be positive changes.

I'll end off with an additional read which brings out what most of my thoughts about relationships.

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-maintain-a-happy-relationship-the-desired-things-of-love/

Biggest regrets in life

Let's take a look at 2 possible titles of an article:

The 25 biggest accomplishments in life. What are yours?
vs
The 25 biggest regrets in life. What are yours?

Which title will you most likely read? I guess you will probably read the latter which contains the negative word 'regrets' instead of the former which contains the positive word 'accomplishments'. Somehow, the first title suggests a self-centred person trying to flaunt his success story. However, that's not what is suggested in the article, else I won't be sharing it here.

The article is actually about what are the biggest regrets at the death beds. So perhaps, if the author had chosen "The 25 biggest accomplishments spoken at the death beds" would also be a good title?

1. Working so much at the expense of family and friendships
This is pretty much said but very little practiced. People are going to retort you by saying that there's no choice, you have a family to feed. If you don't work, then who is going to feed them? Well, your work is never finished. New work comes to you everyday. You have to prioritize the work into important and not so important. Important work definitely have to be completed on time to keep you in your job, I guess there is no choice for this type. However, on the less important and mundane type, what is the minimum level of work that you can accept. If you can only accept 'perfect' work, then I guess you have chosen that work is more important than your family and friends and that the promise you make about "making up to the family during the weekend" as suggested in the article will never come to fruition.

2. Standing up to bullies in school and in life
Either my school is kind, or I wasn't too bothered by bullies so I can't really think of anything here. There's no need to feel regretful about them unless they really made you lost a whole lot. 

3. Stayed in touch with some good friends from my childhood and youth
Childhood friends are good memories. I don't think it really matter if you have stayed in touch with those from childhood as long as you have true buddies in the here and now that you stay in touch with.

4. Turned off my phone more/Left my phone at home
If you use your phone during your own alone time, it sounds quite reasonable. If you are dining with someone, and you keep typing away on your phone, it shows how much important the person is to you. 

5. Breaking up with my true love/Getting dumped by them
I was a little puzzled by this heading, but by reading the article, I think it roughly means if you have someone you love now, don't keep thinking back to the past lovers that you once had. Something on the line of don't compare them. People are different and they love in different ways. I don't think you can say that one way is more noble than another way. I have read many other articles about what are the type of boyfriends girl should look out for and frankly, those articles are describing a very idealistic person. You can probably find that person in Utopia. I won't be sharing those articles unless you are interested in reading for amusement. 

6. Worrying about what others thought about me so much
This must really be a great regret since it has appeared in all my 3 recent posts (including this). Yet, it's difficult to let go of this perception.

7. Not having enough confidence in myself
I think I have confidence problem, but I do try to improve. I am very sure I am more confident as compared to my secondary school days or even my uni days. Being a volunteer does help a lot on this.

8. Living the life that my parents wanted me to live instead of the one I wanted to
I guessed I let go of this notion during my junior year in uni, the year I started volunteering.

9. Applying for that “dream job” I always wanted
I think I'm in the job I want. But that does not exclude the possibility that I could take on another job in future. 

10. Been happier more. Not taken life so seriously
"笑也是一天，哭也是一天。" is a very cliche sentence that people who take life too seriously never like to hear. Laughing doesn't mean that you are not serious, talking solemnly doesn't mean that you are dead serious since you can always eat your words later. I see no wrong laughing while doing family planning, it's a joy to begin with. I see no wrong in laughing while discussing serious subjects such as the uncertain future. Who knows, by being humourous about the matter, it may lead you to some unexpected outcomes that are even better than those that are discussed solemnly over a meeting table. Power of humour has long been suppressed. However, I do not approve of people who go to funerals tell jokes and laugh out loud.
 http://hqasia.org/article/no-laughing-matter-humour-innovation-and-effectiveness

11. Gone on more trips with the family/friends
It's kind of tough to organize trips for my family. 

12. Letting my marriage break down
I don't know about this.

13. Taught my kids to do stuff more
It's difficult when both parents have to work and have no time for their children, but it's no excuse that you can't teach them and have to send them to all the different courses available commercially.

14. Burying the hatchet with a family member or old friend
-

15. Trusting that voice in the back of my head more
-

16. Not asking that girl/boy out
-

17. Getting involved with the wrong group of friends when I was younger
-

18. Not getting that degree (high school or college)
- 

19. Choosing the practical job over the one I really wanted
-

20. Spending more time with the kids
It's the order of your priority list. 

21. Not taking care of my health when I had the chance
Health is important. Eat in moderation, exercise regularly.

22. Not having the courage to get up and talk at a funeral or important event
I'm glad I can safely say that I am able to deliver a speech more fluently than on my very first try as a secondary 1 boy. 

23. Not visiting a dying friend before he died
-

24. Learning another language
Not a problem here, everyone is bilingual. Oops, I forgot about those who didn't go through the education here.

25. Being a better father or mother
-

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When you attend talks about how to strike a work-life balance, the speaker might tell you to go exercise, spend time with family and friends, go do something you like etc. Then there will always be people who say that these of course they know, what a waste of time attending that talk. I will have to agree on that part on the waste of time. People know they have to do all those things. What they have to know is that they need to change their mindset and set their priorities. My thoughts of that is already written in point 1.

Leave you with this ad of McDonalds.

If your child says "See you on Saturday." on a Monday, it is quite serious. Glad this dad made it a point to have breakfast with him. Hope it's not a once off thing though.

Things to avoid doing

Somehow, whenever you read an article, you find yourself reading the one that contains at least a bit of negative words. This seems to be how human nature works - since it's easier to be negative than positive. Positive things just don't seem to be .

Today's read is from the following website:

Mentally strong people - 13 things they avoid
http://www.forbes.com/sites/cherylsnappconner/2013/11/18/mentally-strong-people-the-13-things-they-avoid/

Below are my thoughts after reading the original article

1. Waste time feeling sorry for yourself
I think it's perfectly normal to feel sorry for yourself. Who can really be unaffected by everything in our surroundings. You can find a way around this though, by setting yourself a time limit, say 5 minutes? After that time, stop thinking about what's unfair to you and if it's within your control, you can do something to perhaps correct the wrong; if it's not within your control, "Next!".

2. Give away their power
You can choose to let people affect how you feel; you can also choose not to let them. 

3. Shy away from change
Change is sometime you cannot control. It's constant. So if you are going to resist change, then you will be left behind. If you change but feels grudgingly about it, it's the same. Learn to adapt.

4. Waste energy on things they can't control
It's pretty obvious. Don't be a control freak. If you are going to feel insecure about things that you cannot control, then you will be an insecure person. No one can provide you the security that you need since it's not within their control. 

5. Worry about pleasing others
The people-pleasers please others but never themselves. Pleasing others to get the approval of others is their main aims. But all these are just empty praises, unless you are able to please yourself. If you are not happy on your own. 

6. Fear taking calculated risks
If you decided that you will be able to take the worst-case scenario of the situation, then the risk is probably worth taking. What can be worse than the worst cast?

7. Dwell on the past
Reminiscing in the past is sweet, if you want the past to be sweeter, then you have to do more in the present so that they will add on to the past. 

8. Make the same mistake over and over
Practice makes perfect. Practice your mistake and you perfect your mistake. 

9. Resent other people's success
I don't know what is the point of resenting other people's success. Are you going to sabotage them so that they fail? If you want to succeed, learn from them, and put in your effort.

10. Give up after failure
Not everything can be as smooth sailing as you like it to be. If you are just going to give up after one try, then you are going to miss out on many things that could happen when you succeed.

11. Fear alone time
Think this probably is only for extroverts.

12. Feel the world owes them anything
Nobody owes you anything, don't take them for granted.

13. Expect immediate results
Think this is thanks to the fast-food culture. Everything thing has to be instant and quick. There are many things that are worth waiting for.



If you notice, each of the 13 points contain negative word as well.

Happiness

I had wanted to title this post as "Unhappiness" but decided against it as there are just too much negativity in this world and I could do away with some of that here.

This post is a collation of the 22 habits of unhappy people in a single page, taken from the website:

http://www.infobarrel.com/22_Habits_of_Unhappy_People

That way, it's easier to read and remind myself not to fall into those habits. For more elaborations of each category, refer to site. I will just get a short quote from each and maybe add a little of my own thoughts.

1)  Chronic complaining - "Chronic complainers tend to complain about their job, their significant other, how little money they make or how something wasn't fair.  I have news for you, anybody anywhere has hundreds of things they could complain about at any given time.  If you are a chronic complainer, quit whining and talk about the things that are positive in your life and focus on what is good."

I don't think I complain much, do I? Maybe a little but I doubt it's chronic.

2) Retail therapy - "Life is about experiences, however so many people get caught up in materialistic items that they forget what truly makes us happy.  Sure the latest gadget may make you feel good for the evening, but that high is temporary, and you will be back chasing that retail high shortly after. Get out and experience the world."

I'm not really interested in the latest gadgets etc.

3) Binge drinking - "drinking excessively on a regular basis can cause all sorts of havoc on your life.  Since alcohol is a depressant, the following day after drinking yourself silly usually results in a pretty unproductive day."

This is definitely not a problem. Taste of booze is not delectable to my taste buds, but I do drink a little on occasions.

4) Worrying about the future - "No matter what you do, you only have so much impact on what the future has in store for you.  Could you get laid off? Maybe.  Could you catch a life threatening disease? Yup.  The thing is, you have very little control over whether or not these things happen, so why spend your time worrying about it.  As long as you have a reasonable game plan and are living responsibly you should be focused on what is going on in your life now."

O' Capt My Capt once said in Dead Poet Society "Carpe Diem." Seize the day. You can't have a foolproof plan of your life or even if you have, you cannot expect the plan to be carried out fully.

5) Waiting for the future - "When you are in high school, you think you will be happy when you graduate. Once you've graduated, you think you will be happy once you land a good job.  Once you have the dream job, you think you will be happy when you are married.   Next you think you will be happy when you have kids.  Once you have kids, you think you will be happy when they move out of the house. Next it will be when they have kids.  Before you know it you will have spent your entire life waiting for events to bring you happiness just to realize life (and happiness) has passed you by."

Same as 4. If you keep waiting, you have never lived.

6) Lack of hobbies - "Hobbies are activities that you can become passionate about.  Hobbies are something that you can do when you have three hours of free time on a Thursday night.  Hobbies are skills that could potentially earn you money if you become good enough at them."

Probably now my hobby is to whip up different food from scratch. Kinda interesting to see the original ingredient turned into the final products and having family enjoying the food.

7) Eating poorly - "Eating healthy not only makes you have more energy, it also makes you look better, which makes you feel better about yourself."

I guess I have ate poorly recently, that's why so many people keep saying I have become fat. Or is it because I lack exercising.

8) Talking poorly of others - "Trashing somebody else might make you feel better for a moment, but all you are doing is masking your insecurities by trying to put them beneath you.  Instead, try complimenting others, at first it might be hard, but it will make you feel good and will make you a much more desirable person to be around."

Putting other people down is easy, but looking at your own shortcoming is hard. Stop blaming others at the very first chance and think of what you can do to improve the situation.

9) Holding grudges - "it is a load on your back, and life sure would be easier if you could just take it off.  Do yourself a favour, forgive."

Think I have one or two grudges at the moment.

10) Stop learning - "'The moment you stop learning, you stop leading.' - Rick Warren

It isn't hard to become complacent in life.  You've spent so much time going to school to eventually get a job that learning sometimes takes a backseat to life.  Learning doesn't need to be a chore.   Just like hobbies, get out there and learn about something you are passionate about.  Like mexican food? Sweet, start reading about it and practice making five star restaurant quality mexican food.  Learning new things not only gives you things to talk about in social environments, it also helps improve your self worth, which leads to happiness."

This is the only one that I had copied the whole paragraph. I think this is probably the most important thing to me. If you stop learning new things, your life stagnate. Nothing will change. Probably it sounds good that things don't change but change is the only constant in the world. That's probably the reason why I'm in my job.

11) Not following through - "They say that taking the first step is always the hardest part with any plan.  Quit making excuses and walk the walk, nobody is going to do it for you."

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. And that is the toughest. I do like to try out new things but I don't like things to end. Not sure if it's because I like to imagine different endings.

12) Hating your job - "So many people love their job when they first start.  As time goes on, co-workers start to complain about things, and then you start to find little things that bother you, then soon enough everybody's complaining has amalgamated into this giant ball of hate"

I don't hate my job, but there's always disappointment because some people are just not there to learn. During my stint in Cambodia, it was much more fulfilling because the children there are really there to learn.

13) Loneliness (how you choose to socialize) - "If you are single and feel like you need a significant other to be happy, I am going to be blunt,  YOU ARE WRONG.  You can't be in a healthy relationship until you are happy independently.  Using somebody else as a crutch for your happiness is a one way trip to an unhealthy relationship."

No one owes you your happiness. It is always your own choice whether you want to look at something positively or negatively. If you see everything in the negative light, no one can really do anything to make you happy because there will always be something that makes you unhappy. See beyond the imperfection. 

14) Letting negative thoughts enter your mind - "When these thoughts enter your head, immediately think of something else.  You choose what you think about, and the longer you entertain a negative thought, the more it is going to stay in focus.  We are all human, and bad thoughts will enter our heads from time to time, but by being conscious of what you thinking about you can push them out of your head before they take you over."

I'm guilty of this occasionally. It takes a conscious effort to think positively because it's easier to think of the worse. That's why good news stay at home while bad news travel far "好事不出门，坏事传千里。"

15) Jumping to conclusion - "Fortune Telling is when a situation arises and you automatically predict that things are going to turn our poorly.  Because of this fortune telling, you often take yourself out of these situations, which for the most part would end in a great experience.  You lose out by having jumped to conclusions and predicting an unsatisfactory outcome.
Mind reading is when you automatically assume that others are negatively reacting to you or something you've done when there is no definite evidence.  This can and will make you feel like a victim and can result in unfounded resentment towards these imaginary reactions."

Mind reading is the way of thinking. Because you interpret information given to you in your own opinion and this is usually biased. A way to get out of the situation is to apply the 6 thinking hats method by Edward de Bono. Using the white hat, you process information as it is without adding your interpretation.

16) Magnification - "Often times unhappy people have a tendency to blow small things out of proportion.  Take a step back before you deal with an issue and try to look at it objectively."

I'm not someone who magnify things. It's faster to quickly fix the small issues than to keep complaining about it and the issues are still there.
 
17) Minimization - "Minimization is when you take real problems and instead of dealing with them, tell yourself they are insignificant.  Unfortunately you can only sweep your problems under the rug for so long before they explode."

Because I don't magnify things, I'm not sure if I had minimized real problems. I do have weird ways to solve problems sometimes.

18) Self labeling - "When you make a mistake, tell yourself "You made a mistake, next time you will do better".   Saying things like "You are an idiot", or "You are a piece of crap" does nothing but lower your self worth.  This might sound insignificant, but you need to believe in yourself to be happy, and calling yourself names prevents you from moving on after you've made a mistake."

Yup, made a mistake, live with it, tell yourself next time will be better. Instead of blaming every other things for that mistake, admit that humans are humans. Mistakes are part and parcel of life.

19) Not having a goal - "Happy people have a tendency to make both short and long term goals.  Short term goals give you mini accomplishments that build self confidence and keep you motivated for the big picture. The problem with unhappy people's goals, is they tend to be unachievable."

Currently, I'm short on goals. It's easier to daydream of what you can do. Haha. Maybe I should try to draft out that something I have in my mind right now.

20) Worry what others think - "So many people spend a ridiculous amount of time trying to please others.  This generally stems from the insecurity that other people are judging them. Stop doing things for other people and do things that make you happy."

This is definitely not call self-centred because you do get worn out being a people-pleaser. I have done that before and later felt that I had not lived before. But you are self-centred if you do things as you please without taking into considerations of other people.

21) Let strangers affect your mood - "There are lots of pissed off people and people who want to drag you down to their level.  If somebody gives you the middle finger while driving, smile back at them and let them spend their energy being cranky. Don't let somebody else's bad day control the outcome of yours. If you have to deal with a grumpy person, kill them with kindness"

There is this saying that once you get on the road in Singapore, you become a different person. And that is quite true. So many people are driving recklessly at high speed. Some cut into lanes abruptly and without signaling. The honk is for showing displeasure here. While in some other countries, the honk is for catching people's attention, or simply saying hello.

22) Wanting more money - "the illusion that more money will solve all your problems and make you happy is nothing more than just that, an illusion. According to a Princeton University study, emotional well being  and happiness does rise with income, but only to an annual household income of $75,000."

Singapore is the world most expensive place to live in. Guess you cannot say money is not important, but to me, there are definitely many more things that are important and that money can't buy.