Relations

After 3 posts about individual's thinking, I will now move on to look at what I can find about relationship.

I shall combine all my readings together in 1 post so that I won't have to repeat too many times:

1) 7 tips on developing a successful intimate relationship

2) 10 truths to keep your relationship healthy

3) 7 ways to put life back into your relationship

Let's begin with the first reading

1) Check whether your expectations are realistic
Think it is normal to have expectations on your partners. Examples quoted from the article includes: expect your partner to be there for you all the time; to love you unconditionally; to always understand you; to always remember your birthday; that you and your partner will always be in good moods etc.

We have learnt that the quantifier 'always' is a very strong word in our GP lessons in JC. Is it possible to be always? To always understand you? A person always in good mood? Unlikely. Always remember birthday is do-able but there could be the once in a blue moon slip up or someone could be suffering from dementia.

What does it means to love you unconditionally? There was once I was stopped outside central library in NUS. This person came up to me with some photos and asked me which resonated in me. There were a few photos including these two - a photo of a couple holding hands lovingly and a mother feeding her child. I chose the latter and said that that was a photo where you can see unconditional love. That was my perception that parents give children unconditional love and not life partners, but after reading about lateral thinking, I could also say that parental love is not totally unconditional as well. When you feed a baby, you would expect the baby to be satisfied and smile back at you. That smile could be what parents want in return. Sending children to different courses could be to fulfill parent's dream. When parents lecture their children, that is because they did not get the correct responses from their children etc.

It's the same in relationship, if you are expecting your partner to love you unconditionally, what does it actually mean to you? Then are you doing the same by loving back unconditionally in your own dictionary?

2) Ensure that your fantasies are realistic
Social media will probably have to take the blame for the unrealistic fantasies. Television dramas always come up with extravagant wedding proposals which are by far too unrealistic. Occasionally there may be a handful of people who try to emulate that, like the man who proposed with 99 iphone 6.

Scrolling through facebook everyday, you will probably see different pictures of other people having a hell of a good time, and it seems like everybody except you is enjoying their lives because their partners are doing this and doing that. Please ask yourself if anyone ever posted bad things about their lives on FB? Ya, some do and you will probably have labelled them as whiners and blocked them already. Please stop comparing with what's on FB and get back to life.

3) Understand the messages which drives your interactions with your partner
This is about hidden messages that have been internalized while growing up. They affect your behaviour, attitude and reactions without you knowing. Mostly, these are generalizations that "A woman should do everything for her partner" (so if you are a woman, you will not demand a mutual give and take with your partner, or if you are a man, it could possibly make you a MCP)

4) Be willing to take responsibility for your part in the problems and difficulties which arise between you and your partner
It's easy to point out mistakes made by other people but hard to ever realise that you could be in the wrong as well, causing you to argue your point over why you are right. When two people are arguing, there are going to be at least 2 perceptions of 'how things should be'.

5) Develop self-awareness
Developing self-awareness is the solution proposed in the first article. This means getting to know what caused you to react and behave in certain ways you do in your relationship. You have to be aware of the above points and stop doing them in order to have a successful relationship. Self-awareness is about personal growth and it could help in your career as well.


Going on to second article:

1) Successful relationships take work
This essentially is about communication. I did a quick search on the different methods of communications - written, oral, face-to-face and online. So there is no correct method of communication that you can use. Find one that is comfortable.

2) You can only change yourself, not your partner
If you love someone and think that he or she will change behaviours you find uncomfortable, you are wrong. If you want changes to take place, discuss with your partner.

3) All arguments stem from own fear or pain
Arguments usually arise from your own fear and pain and not because you are actually angry with your partner.

4) Understand that men and women are very different
Understand and celebrate your differences instead of arguing about who is right will make living together more interesting, peaceful and fun.

5) Honour each other in some way everyday
Feeling respected and cherished by the one you love makes life much easier. This could easily be done by saying "I love you." every morning, giving each other a hug when you wake up, holding each other's hand etc.

6) Anger is a waste of time
Instead of wasting time feeling angry, calm down and see the good in your partner.

7) Get regular tune-ups
Go to couples' workshop, read relationship book together. They could give you new ideas to strengthen your connections.

8) Find a ways to become and stay best friends
Possibly about doing things together. Look at point 7 below.

9) Be responsible for your own happiness
No other person can make you happy if you are not happy on your own. This has been discussed in an earlier post. If you are looking for your partner to give you the happiness you want, you are looking in the wrong place altogether. Your partner is there to share the happiness you found in yourself and to amplify that happiness. If you have not found any happiness in yourself, even if your partner is able to amplify happiness by 1000 times, your happiness level will still be zero. Look at point 3 below.

10) Give what you want to get
Do unto others what you want others do unto you. Kind of like point 5 below.


On to article 3:

1) Stay positive
This is the choice you have to make. If you know that you are naturally negative, then you have to be self-aware of your choice. Take the time to focus on what's right, what's going on well. When you are discussing your relationship, highlight the good things and minimized the bad. Both you and your partner will feel better.

This will change your conversation to an empowering conversation instead of a dismissing one.

2) Remember that no one is perfect
Remembering that no one is perfect not even yourself. But if you are only preaching on your partner's imperfection while defending your own, then you need to rethink about yourself. Remind yourself that we all have our own bad habits, and we expect our partners to love us despite all that. So give them the same respect and love them despite their imperfection.

If you want to prove that you are right in every situation and want control of everything, the relationship is bound to sour as resentment build up. Why does it matter who is right and who is wrong anyway? Work together to change for the better.

3) Love yourself first
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4) Make decisions from the heart
If you love your partner, is it reflected in your actions, the way you speak to them, or the way you treat them? Does paying every single attention to your work and neglecting your partner tell your partner how much you love him? You expect the understanding from your partner that you are busy, but do you understand where your partner is coming from? Will you feel regretful on your deathbed that you have not worked hard enough or will you feel regretful that you had not spent more time with your partner?

5) Lead by example
You saw your friend posted on facebook pictures of a delicious meal that your friend's partner had prepared and you are envious of that. Why wait? Do the same for your partner. You don't have to hint to your partner by showing the pictures to your partner because it's likely that the hint will not be caught.

Your mum washes and iron your clothes for you. Don't wait, volunteer to do the chores when you marry and move in together. Your partner will be more than happy to share the workload. Don't tell your partner that your mum or dad does this for you, your brother or sister does that for you. You are comparing your family members with your partner. If you expect all the things that your mum, dad, brother and sister do for you to be done by your partner, then to tell you sadly, it will be easier to just stay at your current home then to be able to find a partner able to do that.

Pass on the love that other has passed on to you. Don't wait for someone to come along the way to provide those love that you have received. It's much more empowering that way. Remember the ripple effect, you spread the love on to other people and the love will then come back to you in a heartwarming way.

6) Start doing things you love
It's good to start hobbies together so that you will get to spend time together. It will also be good to have a mix of individual hobbies, so that you do not need to have your partner around all the time.

7) Go on an adventure
The adventure is out there! There are many possibilities to this one. Go touring, explore new places. It don't have to be bungee jumping as suggested in the article.


Conclusion
Guess from the articles, it is important that if you want to feel loved by your partner, the first thing you need to do is to love yourself. After that, you have to be self-aware of the things that you expect from the relationship. Is it realistic? Don't do the blaming game as it's counterproductive. In a discussion, focus on the positive. You can change only yourself and not your partner, if you need your partner to change, you can put it out on the table to discuss or could even lead by example so that their will be positive changes.

I'll end off with an additional read which brings out what most of my thoughts about relationships.

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-maintain-a-happy-relationship-the-desired-things-of-love/